Hey, it’s 12:11 midnight on the clock and I’m here writing this letter for you which you will never ever be able to read. But still, I will write everything down.
Four years back, I would have been sure what to say when someone asks me about what we are. We are best friends. I can confidently say that before, not until everything gone blurred. We were best friends. Now I’m not even sure where to place myself. Things have changed. Four years have gone and we drifted apart.
Weird, we used to talk about anything and nothing and not feel awkward at all, now I can’t even go on a conversation with you without trying to figure out the right words to say just to keep the conversation going. It’s sad Jem. Seeing how our friendship turned out. What makes me more sad is that deep inside, I know this is mostly my fault and I’m sorry. Really, I am.
I know things will never be the same between us, but last Christmas I was able to convince myself that maybe, just maybe things between us can get better than we are today. Remember when we saw each other at the church two nights before Christmas? We saw each other, yes. Sadly, neither of us made an attempt to reach out to each other. What can I do? I’m not even sure if you would talk back to me comfortably, I mean, if I did talk to you that night and things were still awkward, it would just hurt more. I don’t want that truth slap me in the face. But then again, I tried trying to make an effort to talk to you again. And you Jem, told me you missed me. You have no idea how happy you made me that Christmas night. It was like suddenly everything is okay between us. Not the ‘okay’ kind of okay. But the real okay one. I was really happy. I don’t know what happened next, ’cause one moment you were the best friend I once had, the next moment you were back to the “awkward ex-best friend that I do not know where to place myself”. I missed you, big time. I really want to keep the communication going between us, but somehow you make me feel unwanted, so unwanted that I have to distance myself from you. You have no idea how many messages that I typed and never sent to you. You have no idea how my heart beats double pace when I’m talking to you. And you have no idea how much I overthink about every little thing that you do. It’s crazy. I’m extra careful of what comes out of my mouth cause I don’t want to sound uninterested nor too eager to talk to you. But this can’t go on like this. So I’m writing this post to end everything here. No, I’m not ending our friendship, what I’m putting an end to is what I feel for you – all the nostalgia when I remember the things that happened, the hurt and the longing.
Just in case you’ll be wondering how I am, I’m still that one friend who’s just one text away, but no longer trying to reach out first.
…and yes, I hate the ending myself too. I hate our ending if it’s the end.
Goodbye for now,